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marvelousaitch's Journal

Below are the 10 most recent journal entries.

 

 
  2004.08.16  02.11
Bored

I am bored. I am unhappy that I napped for 4 hours today. I wish I didn't have an eating disorder. I wish I was just naturally 10 pounds lighter than I am. But I'm not. I have a big ass and a taste for saltyfattyness. And beer.

Thank goodness the boy is here. I guess. Sometimes I feel inhibited because of him. Like I don't want to make friends when he can't - that wouldn't be fair. He's my crutch right now. Can't figure out if a crutch is a good thing or not now. It might keep me from falling on my ass but it might keep me from walking unassisted.

I am bored.

I think my eating disorder makes it harder to make friends. I feel like I am always on my guard. And anxious. So I am going to try and resist the urge to do a long fast or concentrate too hard on losing weight. I need brain cells for lawyerifying.

And I love Vermont. If I ever make any friends here it will be hard to leave. All I miss about Maryland is people.

I will try to avoid tv tomorrow. Stupid cable. If it'd been up to me we wouldn't have gotten it. Now I watch it like 5 hours a day, more if there a good movie on HBO. Must read Dog Years before I am able to read only law!

Boredom = insomnia.

I am loopy.

  
 


 
  2004.06.10  14.33
I feel full???

So weird, but I am feeling totally content, almost too full, on a Slim Fast, 16 ounces of tomato juice, and about 48 ounces of Crystal Light. That's 350 calories. Of liquid. And I have a ton of energy. No binge urges. I'm loving it.

I could do this forever. I wonder how the run this afternoon will go. I didn't bring my Camelback, so I won't have water. But, er, I guess I've had enough liquids today.

Kick ass.

  
 


 
  2004.06.03  12.15


Yeah, so I forgot how weird it is not to eat. I am all light-headed and slow. I know this will go away after a while, but it kinda sucks.

I had to turn down a friend for lunch. I feel bad. But I need to do this.

I have had a cup of coffee
A cup of broth
20 ounces of water
A cup of chai
And I am going to go get 20 more ounces of water
And a cup of broth

It's definitely making me loopy though. And slow. Geez. But it's definitely an interesting feeling. I think it'll be good to do this once a week for as long as I can. Maybe up until school starts.

  
 


 
  2004.05.10  14.24


Homemade cheesecake in the breakroom!!!! Shiiiitt!

  
 


 
  2004.04.30  13.27
Whew

OK, was pretty good - there was not salad like i'd expected, so i had to get stuff to look like iwas eating. So i ate 1/2 but, and veggie burger, and a couple of bites of potato salad. Then I had two little broken off pieces of brownie and cook - not more than a total of 50 calories together. Total of probably 300. I'll take that for a free food lunch anyday.

  
 


 
  2004.04.30  11.45
Crap

Crappity crap crap. Free food in 15 minutes. Ugh... OK, gotta try and only eat the veggie burger patty with no bread and lots of salad with no dressing - wihtout looking anorexic :-) Man, why are Fridays through Sundays so f*ing hard?

And no dessert!

Ugh, OK, I am promising myself to check back in so I'll stick to it.

I can do it I can do it I can do it.

Come on top of circle girl!

  
 


 
  2004.03.04  16.23
I want to eeeaaattt

I want to eat every goddamn thing in the f*ing world!!!

Ugh. Why am I so munchy today? I haven't really caved yet, but man!

  
 


 
  2004.02.02  15.10
Gahhhh

I am so bloated!



Mood: crappy 		 
 


 
  2004.02.02  10.05
Stupid weddings

Yeah, my will power went out the window this weekend. My friend got married, and there was lots of free food and alcohol, and, well, you know how that goes. I don't care though - it was one night and I was pretty ok yesterday and have started well today. And at least I didn't puke or smoke Saturday. Especially the smoking part. That's the first time in a long time that I've been hammered and not smoked.

The wedding was 3 hours away, and we left an extra hour, but we still got lost and missed the ceremony. Pennsylvania sucks. The roads are in piss poor condition and there are like four Washington Streets in the two adjacent towns we were driving around in searching for the place.. Dumb crappy state.

And I am sooo f-ing bloated. PMSing I guess. I'm back up to 120 - but that's OK. When my period's over I'll drop like 5 pounds the next day, so I'm not panicking.

That's all I got.

  
 


 
  2004.01.29  10.19
Stupid boys

How is that Glenn makes me feel fat when he's trying to complement me? Man... He's so dumb. He means well though.

We went to Loehmann's to look for dresses for my friend's wedding on Satuday. I found a really cute one too, black strapless with an a-line cut so you can't see how big my stupid ass is. And it was $15! Holy shit that place is awesome. Cheap and designer, and tons of stuff in 4's, since models are tall and 4's and I'm short and a 4, but that doesn't matter so much when you don't have to worry about pant length. Blah blah blah anyway to the part where Glenn is an idiot:

He's talking to me about The L Word (a lesbian Showtime drama show) and how this skinny little girl on it reminds him of his exgirlfriend because she's all short and really skinny and it made him have a dream about her (his ex). Now is he an idiot or what? I mean Christ keep that to yourself! So I start freaking out, of course trying to keep it all on the lowdown that I'm having a minor panic attack, but I guess he figured out something was wrong, so he asked what was up, and he finally got it out of me that I was worried that he wanted me to be that skinny. Of course, that's not what I was worried about exactly, more like I wanted to be that skinny, but it was close enough to the truth to sound like it I guess. So he's all, "No, no I don't like skinny girls. Skinny's bad, thin's good... blah blah blah backpedaling blah." So then I'm all, would you like me better thin? And he's all, "Well, I'd like you thin just as much as I like you now." So, there it is. Does that say, "You're a fat walrus" or what?

I gotta tell ya though, it gave me more motivation.

  
 



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